Working through fear

Well, as every day comes and goes I feel stronger in the beginning, and completely exhausted at the end, and I wouldn't have it any other way. However, there are times when I have doubts and fears, as is natural for every human being.

A little over a year ago, the college season was just getting underway. I had just been officially assigned the captaincy, and we were traveling to Northwestern for the Lakeside classic, our first game of the preseason. When we arrived at Midway Airport, our team walked down to the baggage claim while our coaches and trainer headed off to get the rental cars. We sat around for 15 minutes waiting for our bags, and when the bags came out I thought that as the captain I should have known what the next step was: stay near the baggage claim? head out to the curb? catch the bus to the rental car area? Having never been to Midway before, I called our assistant coach and he simply said to head outside and wait for them there. But when I announced this to the team, trying to sound knowing and in charge, some of my teammates reacted differently than I expected. It was as if I had become annoying, pushy, big-headed (and I'm sure I came off that way).

I was simply trying to do the job I had been assigned. Needless to say, I was utterly confused and disheartened. So when we got outside, I separated myself from everyone, pulled out a notepad, and all the doubts and fears came out: "You're not ready for this...you can't handle this...you don't have their respect...you don't have what it takes...just give up." Just give up. I filled up a whole page with self-deprecating comments.

Then a funny thing happened. After relieving myself of such vitriol, I felt better, and I turned the page. I wrote: "I can do this." Then another, "I have what it takes," and another "I am respected." And it continued: "I am strong. I am fast. I can lead. I know how to do this. I am a force to be reckoned with." By the time the vans pulled up there were two pages of confidence in front of me.

Since that day I have realized something profound about myself: That I have a tendency to be afraid of greatness, and that I am in control of that fear. There are two quotes I would like to share, one from Marianne Williamson, and one from Nelson Mandela's favorite poem, Invictus (recently the name of a movie, it's awesome go see it):

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

-Marianne Williamson


"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

-William Ernest Henley


So, as I continue on my journey, and throughout my whole life, I know I will encounter fears. But I will always remember that I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul, and that paying attention to random fears is a waste of time.

Cheers,

Jeff

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